a cup of talk

Alicia speaks on 9 years of a long-distance relationship with a man she is married to, and how they have achieved love naturally despite the odds. Alicia is a Post-Doctoral Fellow in Psychology in the Department of Neurology at Washington University, St. Louis.

real talk

Many of us have come across the situation before. - You love somebody, or at least you think you do. One of you must move for one reason or another. People drop a lot of cliche statements at this point, as to why it can or cannot work. Alicia, rather remarkably, has not even posed the question of whether to end things due to distance. So what of you?

Would you choose to try to have a long-distance relationship with a person you love, and do you think you can maintain a loving exclusive relationship as Alicia has?

Weekend visits, regular vacations, and a ton of webcam conversations cannot account for the dynamics of living together. After all, not even seeing each other everyday all day, and spending nights at each others' place consistently, can amount to the experience of sharing a space to live together in permanence. Many of us know, the drastic differences between the two, and all that is forced upon the relationship due to your partner being your roomie too. So what do you think?

Do you think Alicia is underestimating the possible issues that may arise when they are finally able to live together?

Chime in, click below to comment, we'd love to hear from you.

Michael Grant rather candidly runs the gamut on the possible reasons why he's a quintessential commitment probe, to then find that they belie perhaps the actual underlying reason why. Michael is the founding editor of Synergyzine www.issuu.com/synergyzine

real talk

Alright, readers. We need your input! The first question posed to you is multiple-choice.

Which of the things that Michael bought up offers the best possible explanation of his commitment phobia? - (alphabetical order) 1. "Astrology" 2. "Childhood fears" 3. "Infantile needs" 4. Lack of fit with "pace/speed" 5. "Yin-yang"

The second question concerns the oft discrepancy in the use and implicatures that come with the idea of "work". I pose to you...

Can 'work' within a relationship be enjoyable or is it a burdensome aspect of it?


Drop those comments, and join the conversation! And we'll respond to you on Thursday.

Amelia Sandy speaks on her previous 'semi-open' relationship with a bi-sexual man, where sexual expression reigned free, yet the heart was theirs alone to keep. Amelia is 23, completing a double degree in psychology and art, and plans to enter the field of art therapy.

real talk:

You're in a relationship with a person you love. Insofar as you love him/her, you have a vested interest and concern for the things that matters to this person. You know, even though you wouldn't care about those things otherwise. You are fulfilled by the fulfillment of your loved one. - So you support your partner's artistry, career, hobbies, etc., even when it requires our partner to engage in activities with other relevant people. After all, you suck at bowling and can't stand it otherwise.

Your partner wants dick. You either don't have one, or yours offers a domain of sexual satisfaction that doesn't meet all that your partner desires. Or your partner simply wants more dick. You are faced with the following proposition from the person you love: that each of your sexual expressions be open such that you are "free to go through with it," but "real heart feelings you would only share with each other." The question, 'yes or no', I pose to you:

Would you accept this proposition given that this matters to your partner?

Many of you don't even like to hear your partner say, "oh yes, I'd do him/her." In fact, many fights are caused by the mere suggestion of such things. The issue, many times, comes down to a matter of trust. As such, an agreement to openly acknowledge (to your partner) your attraction for other people presents a possible approach to work through issues of mutual trust.

You agree to this. You trade lines, "I want to ram-fuck that girl on the bus right now." "Well, I want to ride that guy's dick bulging from his skinny pants." You may even bond over this exchange. You might even "like it." (Stay with me now, read on). Your partner wants to act on these desires. In each moment that these instance occur, you may be "okay with it." After all, "at the base of your relationship you're connected, that's all you need." But the question, another 'yes or no', I pose to you:

Do you think it is possible for you and your partner to trust each other while you both are having sex with others?

Click that comment button, we want to hear from you on this!

Geno Valle speaks on his 'unintended' penchant for straight guys, and a long-standing love for a man he admits is "out of my hands." Geno is the owner of Hair of the Gods, and is also a skilled masseuse, musician, and visual artist. (thanks for the haircut, Geno!)

real talk:


You've had the thought, and some of you firmly believe, that there is such a thing as a 'Gaydar'. Whether gay or lesbian, the idea is that a person has a homosexually-innate sense to pick out 'another' as one within the set of the Queer community, to then be, or not be, attracted to any particular person within the matching kind.

The issue gets trickier (doesn't it?) when you consider those who are attracted to both genders, or consider the platitudinal case where straight men are attracted to lesbians. Still, many are adamant that being gay 'comes with a Gaydar', which suggests that gays and lesbians might hold a special kind of ability that those of other sexual orientations do not. Most of my queer friends swear by this. But Geno presents a quirky case, with his taste for the intended gender yet unintended sexual orientation. So I ask you, (a simple 'yes' or 'no'),

Do you think there's such a thing that as a Gaydar that comes with being attracted to those of the same gender?


You have also had obsessions. Sometimes when you obsess, you accept it or deny it, you love it or leave it. And when...wait, leave it?! Seven years to the day they met. - Geno's love for a man (yes, a gay man) that is a promise of yet nothing more than a love only his own. He, of classic twisted fate, takes solace in the very lyrics written and sung by the very man--the love of his life. - "And if you never want me, the way that I want you...well, it's out of my hands, it's out of my hands, there's nothing that I can do." This kind of irony, if I were wearing Geno's pants, would kinda make me want to shit in it and sit with the song on repeat. Oh what is Geno to do. Is it really out of his hands? So the following 'yes or no' question, I pose to you.

Do you think Geno should try to move on from loving someone (that has been 7 years dry in a love of the same kind)?


for fuck's sake, oops, I mean for the sake of science, click-y to comment, and share a 'yes or no' to either or both, or whatever you want to say :) [I'll respond to your comments on this Thursdays's 2&2!!]

Jaclyn G speaks on her not-too-distant breakup, and what lingers from, as she remains single.

'real talk' (video; click "HQ" for high quality):


Jaclyn states: "Am I single by choice? No." The breakup, she says, as due to a lack of 'fit'--unpacked as, "I wanted something different than what he wanted or was willing to do."

Now, I'm gonna have to expose Jaclyn a bit with some psychoanalysis-unpacking (sorry, J), in order to get to some philosophical juice.

She pauses. She sighs. - When I ask her: "Are you not dating somebody new because you're still on the mend?" And when I give her an 'out' that maybe it's just because she hasn't found a new interest yet, she says "kinda both. I don't know." Back then, to a deeper sigh. She is subtly and unwittingly pointing into a direction of why...she remains single.

"Every minute I had, I wanted to spend with him...all of a sudden you cut that out, cold-turkey. It's hard to deal with; it's hard to make new patterns." I need to groan sympathetically with J here. Because it's 'hard to make new patterns' only if...you're still attached to the old ones. And clearly, the attachment, here, is emotive.

You may think I am jumping the gun, since in response to the joke about the ring, Jaclyn says, "that was never gonna happen." But when she says she'd "probably" give him another chance, it strikes me as more of an "obviously." Peek into her mind with me. - Jaclyn effectively tips her hand, to reveal a heart still on the mend.

If they got back together, would it be a good thing or a bad thing? - To this she says, "Bad, terribly bad...because it's not gonna happen." Now, pause. Take a close look at this with me. That, actually, was no answer to my question. Rather, it was an important answer to another. - the question of why she's still single.

The earlier "that was never gonna happen," and this "because it's not gonna happen," are representatives of what makes it easier to say, "that's why I thank god I have mono." Because how do you say that you still have feelings for someone. How do you say you're not on to next one in virtue of feelings for a former. - The mono in her body belies, if I may, a 'mono' of a heart and mind--that doesn't quite know what to do when the "every minute of the day" gets ripped out, to be lost in finding patterns anew. This is why, why it is so hard, while others simply glide into another's arms. This is why those of us are 'nervous to flirt', find it 'nerve-racking' in searching for interest, of soul to bare, in an entirely new set of eyes.

Hence, the self-addressed question and answer: "Am I single by choice? No."

The 'big phat thing' I have for Jaclyn is not really my joking show of ass (and slap). What it is, is deep love and respect. The integrity in, in not giving in, to the otherwise everyday fuck-and-run; or you know, today's 'fuck the pain anyway'. Because fuck that--if you still love somebody, honor it and the fact that you actually have it for someone, even if that someone does nothing as it slowly dies. After all, J didn't have mono during the whole time of the breakup; in fact, it's only been a fraction of the time. Of this, I understand. And time is waning for the former's chance. To be again and make it right, or to be permanently past.


Jaclyn is pretty much a local rockstar, a soon-to-be graduate with a degree in fashion, and maker of killer smoothies. She also thinks getting mono is a great way to knock off some pounds. She drives an old-school hooptie, which bares a rear-mirror ornament that reads: "you say 'tomato', I say 'Fuck you'." Don't you wish you were friends with her too?

(thank you, Beth, for letting us use your room to randomly film during the Halloween madness, and say hello to Rowdy for me. Props to Lindsey and Chrissy for the hair and makeup)